I've decided to bitch about a few things that have pissed me off lately.
I'm getting to the age of old. Look at the obits- a whole bunch of old farts in their 60s been kickin'.
Anyhoo, most Fun-erals I been to, the big complaint is how much it cost. I found a place that will take all your organs- you will be a donor- and burn the garbage, I mean dearly departed remains. I could die at anytime. I've seen a lot of dyin' in my time: old age, accidents, and the big nasty Mother Humper called War, where old ASSH--ES decide to send their young ones off to fight for some vague notion that usually goes out of style, leavin' us who fought this war to wonder why?
Anyhoo, what war does to most of its participants is they are forever skeptical of everything, especially politicians, preachers, and pimps. I'm talkin' about the “Pimps” on talk radio. Look at them. Ain't a one who could make a canker sore on a PFC in the Corps!
Anyhoo, I'm gettin' carried away, I was talkin about dyin'. I don't want to leave no mess behind for anyone to clean up. So, I decided the best way is to get these ol' bones burnt, cremated! So I look it up on my favorite toy-all my kids got laptops, whenever they ask me anything, I say, you are in possession of all the knowledge in the world, LOOK IT UP!
Anyhoo, back to cremation. I found this outfit online that will come and get your dead carcass, fly it out to this med school (I think it's the one House works at), take out whatever they can use, burn your ass up and send the remains home, to my wife, whose new boyfriend will want to get rid of my ashes, ”Mo Skosh, ricky tic, pronto”, hoping she will quit calling out “OH RAT” or Ray or Roy!
Anyhoo, from pick up to ashes, it's FREE!!! unless ya want to buy a, (this word has always made me laugh) an URN. So I decided I want to be put in a urinal, just like the one I used for years in the V.A. I've got a bud who is going to engrave it. In this urinal are the remains of Rat or Ray or Roy, FFO, a Marine Viet Nam Vet! This urinal must be sold at the next yard sale in order to pay for itself. That and a notice in the obits: Ray Earley died, No wake, No funeral, If I owed you any money, just mumble, THAT SOB GOT AWAY WITH IT!
So I contact this outfit, happy as a Camp Pendleton hooker on payday, and I wait and wait...nothing. So I call them. Whats wrong I say?
”Sir, Minnesota has a law against sending bodies out of state.”
Well, Fu-- Me!!! So, anyhoo, if ya live in a state that lets you decide what you want to do when you're dead, here is the web address... Semper Fi!!! Oh yeah my other bitch??
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