Ah-ho! I nickname my wives. This wife is “Ol Numbah Three”, whom now I call “Sweetie Pie”, as she doesn't like “Ol Numbah Three”.
Remember the best line in Little Big Man: Chief Dan George's character explains why he calls his wife “She doesn't like horses!”! It should be obvious why I do this! You're a smart feller, or is you a fart smeller? No explanation is needed.
This is one of my secrets to a long relationship. I call them all “Sweetie Pie”. Now it's our secret. The other is, never - and I mean never! - ask her “What's wrong?”
You really don't give a shit and don't wanna know anyhow.
And never say “Hurry up!”
What's wrong is because she won't hurry. Two things you can do. You can sit, and say fuck it! Or what I do isbullshit: watch football. You got 3 downs and then you punt.... Sweetie Pie ,it took me two months to get this table at the “Buzzards Beak”. I wanted to surprise you! If we are over 20 minutes late, we lose the table!
Now you got her in your “Otto” it don't matter anymore. I keep my celly on vibrate, so I can whip it
out.”Incoming” I yell! “ Hello, yes this is He! Oh no! You gave the table to someone else! Oh you're only holding them for 15 minutes! Thanks for the call!” The caller was my bud Bart. He figures it out! Bart is a smart feller.
”Sweetie Pie, 'Buzzard Beak' GAVE UP OUR TABLE! Damn that pisses me off!” Act pissed and now whine a little, but not at her. She will say it's her fault in a bit! She knows it, and is now taking the blame on herself. Just don't say anything. You got her goin’ your way, don't blow it now! Give her some back.
“Fuck Sweetie! I know it ain't your fault! All dressed... I just don't want to go home, how bout let's stop at the Barf-a-Lounge? Happy Hour runs to 8 tonight, and its costume night. Will you be my designated driver Sweetie Pie? Hey call your friends, that one who likes to pull her top off. They like her here. All the free drinks they can suck up!”
Now you may wonder how I got so good at this. I'm Indian, we learn real early in life how to bullshit. TV always had us killing whites- rape, burn, torture! We were not yet popular and wouldn't be cool till the late 6o's... I was a Marine PFC for 4 years, a counselor in an Indian Alcohol Program, and went into the MN Prisons daily as Indian liaison for the Dept of Corrections. Once houseless, I worked at a homeless veterans program. Most were alcoholics and “crack” addicts...I could “Bullshit” with the best! The only people I could not work with were WOMEN VETERANS! They are smarter than we! Still a PFC!Semper Fi! Rat...
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